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LATEST ADDITIONS
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ARCHIVED ISSUES
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| Florida
2004 Vote
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The Air Force Life |
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Schizophrenia:
Do I Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia: I Think
I Was Home for Christmas
Alzheimer's:
I Think I'll Be A Home for Christmas
Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic: Deck the
Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and
Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Anti-Social Personality Disorder: People Roasting on an
Open Fire
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
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| Gulf War
Poster |
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Secretary of State Colin Powell recently was approached by an Iraqi
newspaper reporter and accusingly asked "Isn't it true that only 13%
of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Secretary Powell
stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for
you, all 13% are United States Air Force pilots."
PRESIDENT
BUSH AGREES TO MORE INSPECTORS
(AP) Washington DC 8:00 AM (EST), Tuesday, 11 March, 2003
President George Bush has made an announcement that we will not
attack
Iraq.
The President has announced that as of today, he is agreeing to
additional inspectors to be deployed throughout the country of Iraq.
We will be sending 250,000 additional inspectors into Iraq.
The additional inspectors will include:
24,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division
15,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault)
15,000 members of the 82d Airborne Division
More than 5,000 members of the 4th armored division with their
"M1-A1 all-terrain vehicles"
Additional U.S. Army personnel, as needed for inspections
A variety of U.S. Air Force personnel for aerial recon missions and
other
"surveillance" activities
A significant number of United States Marines to aid with
inspections
United States Coast Guard personnel to inspect coastlines
An undisclosed number of Rangers, Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Recon
Marines, Delta Force, and other Special Operations personnel to
inspect Iraqi
"hideaways"
Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made by
aircraft
from the USS Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln
and USS Enterprise.
The President stated: "With these additional inspectors, the
inspections
should be completed in a few weeks."
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation
have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For
those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are
a few of the areas we would like your assistance:
1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat)
during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American
Flag in protest... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay
the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone
doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these
Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second.
Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to
make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend
that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you
used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have
been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid
and get your ass kicked.
5) Next time you come across an Air Force member,
do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non
military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a
blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later
your ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade,
get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the
enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her
nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a
veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander
in Chief.
The President (for those who didn't know) is our CINC
regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside
those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All
we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member
might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass
already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ...
stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably
kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop
saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That
reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know,
so I can go kick their ass.
13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid
(Navy) etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other.
Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use
them. Could get your ass kicked.
14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of
the military, support our troops and their families. Every
Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of sailors and troops far
from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our
military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.
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Where You Live
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You live in California
when . . .
1.You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3.The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4.You know how to eat an artichoke.
5.You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6.When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
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You live in New York when . . .
1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.You think Central Park is "nature."
5.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6.You've worn out a car horn.
7.You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
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You live in Alaska when . . .
1.You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2.Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.You have more than one recipe for moose.
4.Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
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You live in the Deep South when . . .
1.You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3.After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4."He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean,etc.
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You live in Colorado when . . .
1.You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops
at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
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You live in the Midwest when . . .
1.You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5.When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"
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You live in Florida when...
1.You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. There are only GIANT doctors in Florida (Every person's doctor is
"The Biggest" in his field!)
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How to write a Performance Report
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How to write a
Performance Report |
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Eagles Vengeance
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Eagle's
Vengeance |
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Electronic DoDo
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An American
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| An American The following was said
to be written by a dentist in Australia.
"You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there
was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a
newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any
American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an
American is, so they would know when they found one.
An American is English, French, Italian, Irish, German, Spanish,
Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African,
Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab,
Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage,
Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as
native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, Buddhist, or
Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in
Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to
worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe
in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the
government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and
for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the
world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of
Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and
woman to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every
other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was
overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and
supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the
morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other
nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books,
the best music, the best food, the best athletes.
Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The
national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the
wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were
working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a
better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the
Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries,
cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted
the terrorists.]
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did
General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty
tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be
killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a
particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of
freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an
American.
So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than
you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the
old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those
lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations.
And America will welcome them!
GOD BLESS OUR WONDERFUL NATION
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12 Days of Christmas
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12 Days of Christmas |
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America: The Good Neighbor
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| America: The Good Neighbor.
Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a
remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a
Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his
trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:
"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as
the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the
earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy
were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in
billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these
countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to
the United States.
When the franc was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the
Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and
swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.
When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that
hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were
flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.
The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars
into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are
writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to
see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of
the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other
country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the
Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas 10? If so, why don't they fly them?
Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes?
Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman
on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios.
You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk
about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once,
but several times - and safely home again. You talk about scandals,
and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody
to look at . Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded.
They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are
breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at
home to spend here.
When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down
through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the
Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody
loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.
I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of
other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone
else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was
outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors
have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of
hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with
their flag high.
And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the
lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is
not one of those."
Stand proud, Americans
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Old Glory
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I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's Halls of Justice.
I fly majestically over great institutions of learning.
I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world.
Look up and see me.
I stand for peace, honor, truth, justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident, I am arrogant, I am proud.
When I am flown with my fellow banners, my head is a little higher, my
colors
a little truer.
I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped, I am loved, and I am feared!
I have fought in every battle of every war for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shiloh, Appomattox, San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, the
Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome, the beaches of Normandy, Guam, Okinawa, Japan,
Korea, Vietnam, the Persian Gulf and a score of places long forgotten by
all,
but those who were there with me....
I was there!
I led my Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines.
I followed them and watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired.
But my Soldiers cheered me!
And I was proud!
I have been soiled, burned, torn, and trampled on the streets of countries
that I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.
I have also been soiled, burned, torn, and trampled on the streets of my own
country and when it is by those whom I have served with in battle -- it
hurts.
But I shall overcome, for I am strong!
I have slipped the bonds of Earth and from my vantage point on the Moon, I
stand watch over the uncharted new frontiers of Space.
I have been a silent witness to all of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn in strips to be used as bandages for
my wounded comrades on the field of battle; when I fly at half-mast to honor
my Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, and when I lie in the trembling
arms of a grieving mother, at the grave site of her fallen son or daughter:
I
AM PROUD!
My name is OLD GLORY - long may I wave.
Dear God, long may I wave.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
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September 17, 2001
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Dear Osama Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, and
Sadam Hussein, et. al.,
We are pleased to announce that we
unequivocally accept your challenge
to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand that
there are no rules in this game, we anxiously look forward to
playing. Since we are not used to playing
with no rules, bear with us while we adjust to new
game strategies.
Since this game is a winner-take-all, we
unfortunately are unable to extend an invitation
to join us at the victory celebration. But rest
assured, the current agenda will include an old fashioned roast--
LITERALLY ALL OF YOU.
While we will admit that you are off to an
impressive lead, it is however, now our turn at
the plate.
By the way, we will--from this point on--be
playing on your court. Batter up.
Sincerely,
The 270,000,000 citizens of the United States
of America |
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Letterman and
Leno on Bin Laden
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What we know about Osama bin Laden is
this-he's worth $300 million, he has
five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their
'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that
killing bin Laden won't solve the
problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about
spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden.
Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted.
This
guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300
million
through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This
way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." -- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of
them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama
bin Laden. You know, he never
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row-just like Clinton." -- Jay
Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid
worth $300M. I have three words
for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden
has 50 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" --
Conan
O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have
thousands of men who look
forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue
living." -- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the
mail. As usual, we're number
three." -- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood.
Used to be people in this town
couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like
the networks are a how-to manual
for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is
standing outside a
water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could
wipe
out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
--
Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced
warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken
for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion?
What's
next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." -- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of
any letters or packages that
have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for
the
rap industry." -- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a
Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant
on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking
high-ranking
U. S. military official Colonel Sanders." -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday
Night
Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode
of West Wing, it makes a direct
reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept
top
secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our
battle plans on
CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -- Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was
going to go over there to talk with
the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
--
Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people
getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name
would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial
profiling at the airport, but let's be
honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
arrive
at the airport extra early." -- Jay Leno
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An open letter to terrorists:
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Well, you hit the World Trade
Center, but you missed America. You hit the
Pentagon, but you missed America. You used helpless Americans, to take out
other Americans, but like a poor marksman, you STILL missed America.
Why? Because of something you will never
understand. America isn't about a building or two,
not about financial centers, not about military centers,
America isn't about a place, America isn't even about a bunch of
bodies.
America is about an IDEA. An idea, that you
can live in a place where you can
work hard to earn as much as you can, live for the most part, like
you prefer living, and
pursue happiness. (No guarantees that you'll reach all these
goals, but you can certainly try!)
Go ahead and whimper, whine, and chant your
litany: "If you cannot see my point, then you will
feel my pain." This concept is alien to Americans. We
live in a country where we don't have to agree with everyone's point,
but they're free to have one. We don't have to
listen to everyone's speech, but they're free to
make one. I can't imagine where you got the strange idea
that everyone in our nation has to listen to you or agree with you.
There's a spirit that people acquire when
coming to this country, looking for
opportunity, liberty, and freedom. Even if they misuse it. You seem
incapable of understanding that we don't live in America, America
lives in US! American Spirit is what it's called.
And killing a few thousand of us, or a few million
of us, won't change it. Most of the time, it's a pretty
happy-go-lucky kind of Spirit. Until we're treated in a cowardly
manner, then it becomes
an entirely different kind of Spirit. Just wait until you see
what we do with that Spirit, this time.
Sleep tight, if you can. We're coming. |
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Sharpening His Claws
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Redneck Terms for
Computer Words
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BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in
the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down in the local
tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the Skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink after breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the Year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear |
State
Mottos
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Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist
Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask
For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Sh__!
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most
Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and
10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 > mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!
Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese |
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Which branch of Service is the best?
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Straight From The Top
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into
an argument about which service was "the best". The arguing became so
heated
the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by
the truck and killed instantly. Soon the four servicemen found themselves at
the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate
source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint
Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint
Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks
the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and
welcome to Heaven.
Some time later the servicemen see Saint Peter and remind
him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The
servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a
sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder.
In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter says to
the servicemen, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what He says." Saint
Peter opens the note. Trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps
play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four
servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTYONE TO:
Soldiers, Sailors,Airmen, and Marines.
SUBJECT: WHICH MILITARY BRANCH IS
BEST
Gentlemen, All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and
noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being a serviceman in the
United States Military represents a special calling warranting special
respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.
Sincerely, GOD, USAF (RET.) |
|
Air Force - Army Football
|
An Army cadet from West Point died and went to Hell. He was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the young man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound
sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to
see how the cadet was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The
cadet explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to when he was a boy
growing up on his beloved farm back in Kansas.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the
end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to
be sweating and straining. The cadet explained that it felt like his childhood, when he
had to clean out the silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kansas. At
that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this cadet to MINUS 20 degrees
with a 40-mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was so confident that he would
find the cadet miserable. But instead, the cadet was singing louder than ever, twirling
the sledgehammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the cadet
answered, "It's a Cold day in hell, Army must have finally beat Air Force." |
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
|
|
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations:
A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates
to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians
as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building
rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files
enormous travel voucher upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly
conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US Armed Forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then worksfeverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses target due to weather.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infrared.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear
weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing ground of professional courtesy. |
Work
Relations
|
|
Rules For Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until
4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise
me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or
supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all
use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having
to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
|
|
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T:
|
1. I can see your
point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's
hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5. I bet you're really easy to get along with once people
learn to worship you.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a
shit.
14. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you being competent.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. And your cry-baby whiny-ass opinion would be...?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. I started out with nothing & still have most of it
left.
24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
26. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
27. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
31. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
32. Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
33. CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks |
|
Thankgiving humor from Martha Stewart |
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since
Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes as follows:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is
not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful
autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we may find some dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork, hopefully a metal one. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will
refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and
flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a
turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's
recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention
that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our
feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating
arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit
where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be
happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check
on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It
stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young
diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a
request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder
for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you
diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser known name: Cheese Sauce. If a
young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead
ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You
will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful. |
Hoo-ah
|
|
- Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd., Howitzer Lane
and Helmet Drive.
- When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where
the latrine is.
- When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of
approach and good fields of fire before setting up your tent.
- Your ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down
slope of the latrine.
- You're the only one who doesn't complain about having to stand
and eat at the same time at parties.
- You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in
a nightclub on TDY.
- You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.
- You always back into parking spaces.
- You have to look up your parents phone number, but can dial the
CQ, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.
- Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
- Your favorite author is Harold Coyle or Tom Clancy.
- When your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!"
- You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in
case of emergencies.
- You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
- You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your
friends.
- The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
- You convince your wife that all 10 of your guns are necessary
for home protection.
- You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain
that it's only 9 o'clock.
- No one understands the stories you tell because of all the
acronyms.
- You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than
directions to your house.
- The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
- Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for 20 years.
- You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
- You're family calls you "Sir."
- You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the
unrealistic military scenes.
- When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse
that you've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.
|
|
Have you ever met
these people? |
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with
the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said,"Really? Where
is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it
was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health
& Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to
cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
|
|
Real Officers
Cute one from the Army
|
|
1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes
without ever repeating a word.
2. Got their commissions the old-fashioned way - at OCS.
3. Can remember when they were real NCOs.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in
garrison just in case they have
to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed staffer.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their
heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a
parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don't trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to
make a pilgrimage to Ft. Benning
to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don't give a damn about being
politically correct.
15. Don't know how to be politically correct
16. Think that "politically
correct" should fall under "sodomy"
in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because
there's less paperwork.
18. Know that "Cav" is an
abnormal condition that can be cured
with testosterone shots.
19. Can remember the "daily dozen".
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough "fruit
salad" on their greens to be Mexican
field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it's cool to teach their kids how to do
"SPORTS".
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Know what a short-arm inspection is.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order
to allow the enemy to deplete its
basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the "Green Ramp" is.
30. Can remember who their
"Ranger Buddy" was.
31. Know that there's a difference
between "giving orders" and
"going through the orders process".
32. Think that "slides" involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand,
although an M14 is an authorized
substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life's
problems can be solved by applying
the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was
too goddamn stupid to have
assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that "Nuts"
wasn't exactly all that BG McAuliffe
said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both "Cross of
Iron" and "Saving Private Ryan" to be training films.
43. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a "mad minute" than a
"VTC".
47. Shudder when they hear "Garry Owen".
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don't believe that "AAFES" needs a
"commander".
50. Don't need "leadership tabs" to know when they're in
charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when faggots were not a "minority group".
53. Don't have to "do a Lewinski" to get a "one
block".
54. Don't give a damn if they get a "one block".
55. Won't brief it if it's too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5
cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch
Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don't really want
the "Single Soldier Initiative".
58. Really don't like taking crap
from those who haven't "been there".
59. Believe that "RHIP"
was invented by individuals who couldn't
lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a "fifty" by touch
alone.
62. Know how to do a "daisy chain".
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but
still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren't afraid of the Chinese,
who probably still don't have
enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb
would be appropriate for the
Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that "napalm" is really called
"incendi-gel".
74. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible
to crawl inside a Kevlar when
someone's shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their
closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got
the shaft.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of
creature "ham and chicken
loaf" comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that "combat power
on the objective" is a bunch
of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn't.
86. Know that "accuracy counts", especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be
taken care of for 32 cents each
(the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
92. Are convinced that
"wall-to-wall counseling" really works.
93. Would love to go to sniper school.
94. Have more time on a static line
than most other soldiers have in
the chow line.
95. Know what a "link count" is.
96. Realize that volleyball is the
most important subject taught at
CAS3.
97. Know that it's not real coffee
if you can't stand a track jack
up in it.
98. Don't need a "MCOO" to know where the enemy will come
from.
99. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
100. Know that shitty leaders will
always say they have shitty
soldiers.
MORE
> > 1. It's more important to look good than to be good.
> > 2. Non-matching furniture
is a show-stopper. Untrained troops
are not a show-stopper.
> > 3. A unit that has no
money for new computers or spare parts will still manage to afford a big-screen TV for
Powerpoint slide shows.
> > 4. A bad plan with good
slides is better than a good plan with
bad slides.
> 5. Three sergeants thinking
about an issue dealing with their MOS for four months and coming up with a detailed plan,
is not as good as a colonel who knows nothing about their MOS or the problem thinking
about it for 30 seconds.
> 6. When you achieve high rank,
the difference between what you
know and what you feel fades away.
> > 7. The schools officers go
to aren't any better than the schools NCOs go to. But an NCO who goes to the ANCOC that
deals with his MOS knows he's not necessarily smarter about his MOS; an Army officer who
goes to an Air Force graduate school or a Joint College thinks he now
knows more about the branch he's been away
from for two years.
> 8. A year's hard work by the
troops can be destroyed because of some minor incident that happened to the Colonel when
he was a lieutenant.
9. Officers sit around thinking a
lot. In a vacuum. This is not a good thing.
10. Officers think they're
businessmen. They think the principles used in business, like "corporate vision"
and "TQM" can work in the Army. This is because officers spend a lot of time
trying to sell things, usually
grand ideas and catchy names.
11. Officers believe that a plan
won't succeed unless it has a good name, like "Operation Intrinsic Action." NCOs
would rather give it something simple, like "Operation Beat Their ******* Heads In
5," and get on with it.
12. Officers really do believe that
a soldier is happier when he's busy, even if he's not doing what's important. NCOs know
that nothing is so useless as doing well something which should not be done
at all.
13. There are a lot of officers out
there who would have been better as NCOs, and a lot of NCOs who would have been better as
officers.
14. NCOs NEVER UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES refer to other soldiers as "customers."
15. Creating a twenty-minute slide
show that makes the commander look good will get you the same medal as working your ass
off for 12 months for the same
commander.
|
|
PHILOSOPHIES
|
|
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.... |
|
Recruit
Training
|
|
In
an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress
has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines:
Heads will be shaved.
Army:
Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.
Navy:
No haircut standard.
Air
Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
TRAINING
HOURS:
Marines:
Reveille at 0500, train until
2000.
Army:
Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy:
Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air
Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train
from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.
MEALS:
Marines:
Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army:
One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy:
3 hot meals.
Air
Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and
Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.
LEAVE
and LIBERTY:
Marines:
None.
Army:
4 hours a week.
Navy:
2 days a week.
Air
Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and
liberty.
PROTOCOL:
Marines:
Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted
members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
Army:
Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all
enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy:
Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as
"Chief."
Air
Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.
DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines:
Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
Army:
Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test
passed, and bed made.
Navy:
Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
Air
Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at
some point early in their careers anyway.
CAMOUFLAGE
UNIFORMS:
Marines:
Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army:
Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy:
Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains
will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
Air
Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons
and colorful squadron patches all over them.
CAREER
FIELDS:
Marines:
All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army:
It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
Navy:
Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and
BSN rates do anyway.
Air
Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service
early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.
|
|
Feeling Old??
|
Class of 2002
Beloit College's Class of 2002 Mindset List
| 1. |
The people
starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. |
| 2. |
They have no
meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever
been shot. |
| 3. |
They were
prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. |
| 4. |
Black Monday
1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. |
| 5. |
There has only
been one Pope. They can only remember one other president. |
| 6. |
They were 11
when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War. |
| 7. |
They have never
feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them—not a movie. |
| 8. |
They are too
young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up. |
| 9. |
Their lifetime
has always included AIDS. |
| 10. |
They never had a
polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is. |
| 11. |
Bottle caps have
not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no
idea what a pull top can looks like. |
| 12. |
Atari pre-dates
them, as do vinyl albums. |
| 13. |
The expression
"you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. |
| 14. |
They have never
owned a record player. |
| 15. |
They have likely
never played Pac Man, and have never heard of "Pong." |
| 16. |
Star Wars looks
very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. |
| 17. |
There have
always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there
used to be beige ones? |
| 18. |
They may never
have heard of an 8-track, and chances are they've never heard or seen
one. |
| 19. |
The compact disc
was introduced when they were one year old. |
| 20. |
As far as they
know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. |
| 21. |
They have always
had an answering machine. |
| 22. |
Most have never
seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black & white
TV. |
| 23. |
They have always
had cable. |
| 24. |
There have
always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is. |
| 25. |
They cannot
fathom what it was like not having a remote control. |
| 26. |
They were born
the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony. |
| 27. |
Roller-skating
has always meant in-line for them. |
| 28. |
"The Tonight
Show" has always been with Jay Leno. |
| 29. |
They have no
idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. |
| 30. |
Popcorn has
always been cooked in the microwave. |
| 31. |
They have never
seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. |
| 32. |
They never took
a swim and thought about Jaws. |
| 33. |
The Vietnam War
is as ancient history to them as WWI and WWII or even the Civil War. |
| 34. |
They have no
idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. |
| 35. |
They can't
imagine what hard contact lenses are. |
| 36. |
They don't know
who Mork was, or where he was from. |
| 37. |
They never heard
the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "De
plane, de plane!" |
| 38. |
They do not care
who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. |
| 39. |
The Titanic was
found? I thought we always knew where it was. |
| 40. |
Michael Jackson
has always been white. |
| 41. |
Kansas, Boston,
Chicago, America, and Alabama are all places—not music groups. |
| 42. |
McDonalds never
came in Styrofoam containers. |
| 43. |
There has always
been MTV, and it has always included non-musical shows. |
---------------------------
Class of 2003
Beloit College's Class of 2003 Mindset List
also:
What
Students Know and Their Teachers Don't
| 1. |
Most of this
year's students entering college were born in 1981. |
| 2. |
They are the
first generation to be born into Luvs, Huggies, and Pampers. |
| 3. |
John Lennon and
John Belushi have always been dead. |
| 4. |
There has always
been a woman on the Supreme Court, and women have always been traveling
into space. |
| 5. |
They have never
needed a prescription to buy ibuprofen. |
| 6. |
They never
realized that for one brief moment, Gen. Alexander Haig was "in charge." |
| 7. |
They never heard
Walter Cronkite suggest that "That's the way it is." |
| 8. |
They were born
and grew up with Microsoft, IBM PCs, in-line skates, NutraSweet, fax
machines, film on disks, and unregulated quantities of commercial
interruptions on television. |
| 9. |
Somebody named
Dole has always been running for something. |
| 10. |
Cats has
been on Broadway all their lives. |
| 11. |
While they all
know her children, they have no idea who "Ma Bell" was. |
| 12. |
They never heard
anyone say, "Book ‘em, Dano," "Good night, John-boy," or "Kiss my
grits," in prime time. |
| 13. |
They never knew
Madonna when she was like a virgin. |
| 14. |
Mike Myers is
the Spy Who Shagged Me not the first congressman expelled from
that body in a century for his role in "Abscam." |
| 15. |
They have never
had to worry about the packaging of Tylenol. |
| 16. |
Yugoslavia has
never existed. |
| 17. |
They have never
seen Bob Marley perform reggae live. |
| 18. |
Jesse Jackson
has always been getting someone out of trouble someplace. |
| 19. |
Strikes by
highly paid athletes have been a routine part of professional athletics. |
| 20. |
The moonwalk is
a Michael Jackson dance step, not a Neil Armstrong giant step. |
| 21. |
John Cougar has
always been John Cougar Mellencamp, or vice versa. |
| 22. |
Travel to space
has always been accomplished in reusable spacecraft. |
| 23. |
The term "adult"
has increasingly come to mean "dirty." |
| 24. |
The year they
were born, reports condemned violence on television and in Hollywood
films for producing the likes of John Hinckley. |
| 25. |
They have always
been able to get their news from USA Today and CNN. |
| 26. |
They have spent
more than half their lives with Bart Simpson. |
| 27. |
They don't
understand why Solidarity is spelled with a capital "S." |
| 28. |
They don't think
there is anything terribly futuristic about 2001, and were never
concerned about the year 1984. |
| 29. |
They have no
idea how big a breadbox is. |
| 30. |
Camelot refers
to King Arthur's seat of government, not John Kennedy's. |
| 31. |
President
Kennedy's assassination is as significant to them as that of Lincoln or
Garfield. |
| 32. |
They have
probably never dialed a phone or opened an icebox. |
| 33. |
The only thing a
"churchkey" has ever opened for them is a church. |
| 34. |
They have never
seen white smoke over the Vatican and do not know its significance. |
| 35. |
They cannot
identify the last United States President to throw-up on a Japanese
prime minister. |
| 36. |
Ketchup has
always been a vegetable. |
| 37. |
Susan B. Anthony
has always been on the dollar but probably never bought them anything. |
| 38. |
They cannot
imagine waiting a generation to get the dirt on the U.S. President. |
| 39. |
They felt pretty
special when their elementary school had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s. |
| 40. |
ET, Gremlins,
and The Hulk provided their Halloween costumes and lunch box themes. |
| 41. |
They were
introduced to Kramer on the TV show Friday's. |
| 42. |
They remember
when Saturday Night Live was still funny. |
| 43. |
They have never
seen a BankAmericard. |
In all fairness to this latest generation of entering college students,
we this year add a list of items that only a child of the '80s can
explain...don't ask us!
| 1. |
They owned and
operated a "trapper keeper." |
| 2. |
They can explain
the "cha-ching" thing. |
| 3. |
They know what a
"burnout" is. |
| 4. |
They know what
"psych" means. |
| 5. |
During time in
the arcade, they actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game
to "reserve" a spot. |
| 6. |
They know the
profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off." |
| 7. |
They know that
another name for a keyboard is a "synthesizer." |
| 8. |
They can name at
least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack." |
| 9. |
They know who
Tina Yothers is. |
| 10. |
They felt
ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for having sex with minors and
videotaping it, because they liked him. |
| 11. |
They know who
Max Headroom is. |
| 12. |
They could
breakdance, or wished they could. |
| 13. |
Partying "like
it's 1999" seemed SOOO far away. |
| 14. |
They thought
that "transformers" were more than meets the eye. |
| 15. |
They can, right
now, hum the theme to Inspector Gadget. |
| 16. |
They wanted to
be on Star Search. |
| 17. |
They can
remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. |
| 18. |
They wore banana
clips at some point during their youth, or knew someone who did. |
| 19. |
They owned a
doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its rear, or knew someone who did. |
| 20. |
They knew what
Willis was "talkin' 'bout." |
| 21. |
They HAD to have
their MTV. |
| 22. |
They hold a
special place in their hearts for Back to the Future. |
| 23. |
They thought
Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. |
| 24. |
They actually
thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie. |
| 25. |
They collected
Garbage Pail Kids. |
| 26. |
They actually
saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be. |
| 27. |
They remember
when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. |
| 28. |
They own(ed)
cassette singles. |
| 29. |
They were led to
believe that, in the year 2000, we'd all be living on the moon. |
| 30. |
They owned
pieces of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. |
| 31. |
Poltergeist
freaked them out. |
| 32. |
They have
occasionally pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. |
| 33. |
They know what a
Doozer is. |
| 34. |
They wore bike
shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who
did. |
| 35. |
They had Swatch
Watches. |
| 36. |
They had
WonderWoman or Superman underoos. |
| 37. |
They know what a
"Whammee" is. |
-------------------------
Class of 2004
Class of 2004 Mindset List
| 1. |
Most students
entering college this fall in the class of 2004, were born in 1982. |
| 2. |
Grace Kelly,
Elvis Presley, Karen Carpenter, and the E.R.A. have always been dead. |
| 3. |
Kurt Cobains
death was the day the music died. |
| 4. |
Somebody named
George Bush has been on every national ticket, except one, since they
were born. |
| 5. |
The Kennedy
tragedy was a plane crash, not an assassination. |
| 6. |
Huckleberry
Finn has always been a banned book. |
| 7. |
A 45 is a gun,
not a record with a large hole in the center. |
| 8. |
They have no
clue what the Beach Boys were talking about when they sang about a
409, and the Little Deuce Coupe. |
| 9. |
They have
probably never lost anything in shag carpeting. |
| 10. |
MASH and
The Muppet Show have always been in re-runs. |
| 11. |
Punk Rock is an
activist movement, not a musical form. |
| 12. |
They have always
bought telephones, rather than rent them from AT&T. |
| 13. |
The year they
were born, AIDS was found to have killed 164 people; finding a cure for
the new disease was designated a top priority for government-sponsored
research. |
| 14. |
We have always
been able to reproduce DNA in the laboratory. |
| 15. |
Wars begin and
end quickly; peace-keeping missions go on forever. |
| 16. |
There have
always been ATM machines. |
| 17. |
The President
has always addressed the nation on the radio on Saturday. |
| 18. |
We have always
been able to receive television signals by direct broadcast satellite. |
| 19. |
Cities have
always been trying to ban the possession and sale of handguns. |
| 20. |
Watergate is as
relevant to their lives as the Teapot Dome scandal. |
| 21. |
They have no
idea that a presidential scandal once meant nothing more than Ronald
Reagan taking President Carters briefing book in Debategate. |
| 22. |
They have never
referred to Russia and China as the Reds. |
| 23. |
Toyotas and
Hondas have always been made in the United States. |
| 24. |
There has always
been a national holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. |
| 25. |
Three Mile
Island is ancient history, and nuclear accidents happen in other
countries. |
| 26. |
Around-the-clock
coverage of congress, public affairs, weather reports, and rock videos
have always been available on cable. |
| 27. |
Senator Phil
Gramm has always been a Republican. |
| 28. |
Women sailors
have always been stationed on U.S. Navy ships. |
| 29. |
The year they
were born, the New York Times announced that the boom in video
games, a fad, had come to an end. |
| 30. |
Congress has
been questioning computer intrusion into individuals personal lives
since they were born. |
| 31. |
Bear Bryant has
never coached at Alabama. |
| 32. |
They have always
been able to afford Calvin Klein. |
| 33. |
Coors Beer has
always been sold east of the Mississippi, eliminating the need for Burt
Reynolds to outrun the authorities in the Smokey and the Bandit
films. |
| 34. |
They were born
the same year that Ebony and Ivory lived in perfect harmony. |
| 35. |
The year they
were born, Dustin Hoffman wore a dress and Julie Andrews wore a tuxedo. |
| 36. |
Elton John has
only been heard on easy listening stations. |
| 37. |
Woodstock is a
bird or a reunion, not a cultural touchstone. |
| 38. |
They have never
heard a phone ring. |
| 39. |
They never
dressed up for a plane flight. |
| 40. |
Hurricanes have
always had mens and womens names. |
| 41. |
Lawn darts have
always been illegal. |
| 42. |
Coming out
parties celebrate more than debutantes. |
| 43. |
They only know
Madonna singing American Pie. |
| 44. |
They neither
know who Billy Joe was, nor wondered what he was doing on the
Talahatchee Bridge. |
| 45. |
They never
thought of Jane Fonda as Hanoi Jane, nor associated her with any
revolution other than the Fitness Revolution videotape they may have
found in the attic. |
| 46. |
The Osmonds are
talk show hosts. |
| 47. |
They have never
used a bottle of White Out. |
| 48. |
If they vaguely
remember the night the Berlin Wall fell, they are probably not sure why
it was up in the first place. |
| 49. |
Spam and cookies
are not necessarily foods. |
| 50. |
They feel more
danger from having sex and being in school, than from possible nuclear
war. |
----------------
Class of 2005
Class of 2005 Mindset List
|
1. |
Most students starting college this fall
were born in 1983. |
|
2. |
Ricky Nelson, Marvin Gaye and Laura
Ashley have always been dead. |
|
3. |
The New Kids on the Block are over the
hill. |
|
4. |
They want to be PHAT but not fat |
|
5. |
IBM Selectrics are antiques. |
|
6. |
Thongs no longer come in pairs and slide
between the toes. |
|
7. |
God has never been a "he" in most
churches. |
|
8. |
Hard copy has nothing to do with a TV
show; a browser is not someone relaxing in a bookstore; a virus does not
make humans sick; and a mouse is not a rodent (and there is no proper
plural for it). |
|
9. |
Moscow has always been opposed to "star
wars." |
|
10. |
Recording TV programs on VCRs
became legal the year they were born. |
|
11. |
The British Royal family has always
behaved badly. |
|
12. |
There has always been Diet Coke. |
|
13. |
Artificial hearts have always been
ticking.
|
|
14. |
The Social Security system has always
been on the brink. |
|
15. |
There have always been warnings about
second-hand smoke. |
|
16. |
They have never experienced a real
recession. |
|
17. |
A hacker is not just a kid who won't stop
fooling around. |
|
18. |
Grenada has always been safe for
democracy. |
|
19. |
They were born the same year as the PC
and the Mac. |
|
20. |
The U.S. Senate has always had a daycare
program. |
|
21. |
One earring on a man
indicates that he is probably pretty conservative.
|
|
22. |
CDs have always been labeled for explicit
content. |
|
23. |
Lethal Weapon in one form or another has
always been "at the movies." |
|
24. |
Boeing has not built the 727 since they
were born.
|
|
25. |
Sarajevo was a war zone, not an Olympic
host. |
|
26. |
They don't remember Janet Jackson when
she was cute and chubby. |
|
27. |
Drug testing of athletes has always been
routine.
|
|
28. |
There has always been a hole in the ozone
layer. |
|
29. |
They have always had access to email. |
|
30. |
The Colts have always been in
Indianapolis. |
|
31. |
The precise location of the Titanic has
always been known. |
|
32. |
When they were born, Madonna was still a
radiant woman holding a beatific child. |
|
33. |
Jimmy Hoffa has always been officially
dead. |
|
34. |
Tylenol has always been impossible for
children or adults to open. |
|
35. |
Volkswagen beetles have always had
engines in the front.
|
|
36. |
They do not know what the Selective
Service is, but men routinely register for it on their financial aid
forms. |
|
37. |
Ron Howard and Rob Reiner have always
been balding older film directors. |
|
38. |
Cal Ripken has always been playing
baseball. |
|
39. |
They have probably never used carbon
paper and do not know what cc and bcc mean. |
|
40. |
Lasers have always been marketed as toys.
|
|
41. |
Major newspapers have always been printed
in color. |
|
42. |
Beta is a preview version of software,
not a VCR format.. |
|
43. |
They have never known exactly what to
call the rock star formerly and presently known as Prince. |
|
44. |
They are the first generation to prefer
tanning indoors. |
|
45. |
Survivor is a TV show not a rock group. |
|
46. |
They have heard "just say no" since they
were toddlers. |
|
47. |
Most of them know someone who was born
with the help of a test tube. |
|
48. |
It has paid to "Discover" since they were
four. |
|
49. |
Oprah has always been a national
institution. |
|
50. |
With a life expectancy of 77 years, they
can anticipate living until about 2060. |
--------------------
Just in case
you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin
put together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind
set of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
1) The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1983.
2) They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing
up.
3) Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
4) Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
5) The CD was introduced the year they were born.
6) They have always had an answering machine.
7) They have always had cable.
8) They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
9) Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
10) Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
11) They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
12) They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
13) They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
14) They've never heard:
a.. "Where's the Beef?",
b.. "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
c.. "de plane Boss, de plane".
15) They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R.
even is.
16) Michael Jackson has always been white.
17) McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
18) They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
|
Operation Christmas
|
|
MEMORANDUM FOR 28 SPTG/CV
28 SPTG/CC
28 BW/CV
28 BW/CC
FROM 28 SPTG/MW
SUBJECT Official Visit of Lieutenant General Santa (NMI)
Claus
1. An official visit by Lt. General Claus is expected in
this area on 25 December 1994. The following directions will govern activities of
personnel during subject visit:
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission.
This will include assigned and attached native mice. Special stirring permits for
necessary administrative action will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice
stirring permits may be obtained from Central Security Control (CSC), Ellsworth AFB.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long
winter’s nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 Dec. 1994. Uniform for said nap: Pajamas,
cotton, light, drowsing, with OG kerchief, general purpose, cap, BDU, or pile, with ear
flaps. Equipment will be drawn from squadron supply sections prior to 1900 hours, 24
December 1994.
c. Personnel will utilize standard Ellsworth AFB sugar
plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the Aerospace
Ground Dining Facility Manager.
d. Stocking, wool, cushion sole, OG-106, will be hung by
the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused
by carelessly hung stockings. Safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this
headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 22 December 1994.
e. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all troops will
spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken
to avoid toppling bunks while tearing open shutters and throwing open window sashes.
Ellsworth AFB OI "Saint Nick" (Reference Annex C, paragraph 6 (c) this
headquarters, 2 December 1994) will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash
throwing. Supervisors will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible
for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 2400 hours date of visit, all personnel will be
assigned Wondering Eye stations. After shutters are torn and sashes thrown, these stations
WILL be manned.
g. Vehicle Dispatch will assign one each sleigh, miniature,
M-113, and eight (8) each deer, rein, tiny, for use by General Claus. Driver assigned must
have current rooftop license and be able to shout clearly: "On Dasher, On Dancer, On
Prancer, and Vixen, Up Comet, Up Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen."
2. General Claus will enter unit quarters through chimneys.
All units without chimneys, simulate. Chimney simulators will be drawn on SF CS 1234-A and
submitted through Base Supply, in triplicate, prior to 19 December 1994.
3. Troops will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Happy
Christmas to all, and to all a good night." This shout will be given on the
termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of
Squadron Commanders.
1st Ind, 28 SPTG/CC
TO All Base Personnel
I expect all personnel to comply with the requirements of
this letter. Particular attention must be paid to paragraph 2. Late requests will not be
honored. Merry Christmas.
2nd Ind , 28 BW/CC
TO All Base Personnel
The upcoming visit by Lieutenant General Claus is very
important to the Ellsworth community. I want to ensure that the best support possible is
provided. If you encounter any equipment problems, contact me directly. Merry Christmas. |
|
Top Signs of Net Addiction
|
|
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way
back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1
or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in
the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free
Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to
communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
Actual Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools".
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an
IDIOT"
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its
students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move
bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with
sub-atomic particles." |
British Fitness Reports
British military write EPRs and officer fitness reports too. The
form used for Royal Navy and Royal Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual comments taken from people's "206's". Perhaps they will be helpful in
writing up that Special Someone in your unit/squadron/Pentagon.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
curiosity.
- I would not breed from the officer.
- This officer is really not so much of as a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
- When this officer opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere at all.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.
- I wish this officer would understand that
naught is a mark.
- This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom, and has started
to dig.
- She set low personal standards and then
consistently fails.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet. |
Help
Feed Air Force Pilots
It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are
living at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad enough, many of
them may go several weeks or months without a bonus if they are forced to wait for
Congress to pass needed legislation. Congress is just "sitting" on much-needed
legislation to increase the pilot bonus (ACP) to $22K per year, and while we wait, our
pilots are going without any bonus payments at all!!!
But now you can help. For $423 dollars a week ~ that's less than the
price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot economically viable during
their time of need. Four hundred twenty three dollars a week may not seem like a lot
of money to you, but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing
in Florida or a Mediteranean cruise. For you, $423. is nothing more than half a
month's rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, 423. dollars a week is their God-given
right for the hardships of having to fly a sleek fighter or a mission-critical transport
plane as opposed to that old commercial airline between LaGuardia and Atlanta. $423.
per week will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new 100"
television set, trade in the 6 month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with
champagne) at The Mansion.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the
pilot you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, 401K, and
real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's
net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they chose to invest their salary when
they eventually separate to take a commercial aviation job.
"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that
just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to
make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to help!! During this time we're waiting for Congress, I
would like to sponsor the crew member listed below. I would like to sponsor (circle your
selection/s):
Fighter Pilot Airlift Pilot (please specify strat or tac air)
Tanker Pilot Bomber Pilot
Helicopter Pilot Trainer Pilot
___Please apply my donation to the pilot most in need.
Please charge the account listed below $423. per week for the
duration of the Congressional delay. Please send me a picture of the crew member I have
sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and a complimentary box lunch to show
appreciation for my support
<> Mastercard <> Visa <> American Express <>
Diner's Club
<> AAsset Card <> Discover Card
Account Number:________________________________
Expiration Date:_________________________
Signature:______________________________________
Send Completed Forms to the AF/XO
Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or
their families in person or by other means including, but not limited to, phone calls,
letters, email, or third parties. Contributions made are not tax deductible. In the
event pending legislation is not approved by Congress, sponsors agree to a one time
administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs of this program. |
|
OATH
OF ENLISTMENT--Service by Service
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force
because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I
swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than
me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but
promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to
uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to
be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their
first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy
the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me
and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic
training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior
to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person
in the back with it.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I
consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that
all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature:_________________________
Date:________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre
life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get
into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me
because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers
into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise
to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling
myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite
the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harrassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first
year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I
left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife
stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge
while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at
1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the
"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000
for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:_______________________
Date:____________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the
United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE
one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I
thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in
1976 and to have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the
Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest
of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take
great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else
for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill
a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each
fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself
to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:_________________________
Date:__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here),
swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight....<grunt>...cammies...ugh...Air Force
women....OORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________
Date:__________________
|
Maintenace
Squawk Sheets
From actual military
"squawk sheets" (maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the
maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft):
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for. |
Some lines from "Sled
Driver" by SR-71 pilot Brian Shul ...
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day
as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring
various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's
airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their
scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90
knots," Center replied. Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120
knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost
instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed
readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a
situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my
back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew,
for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred
forty-two knots."
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
==--------------------------------==
It doesn't make sense: You're flying at 500 mph, 30,0000 feet in the
air, and the pilot tells you to feel free to roam around the plane.
But when you're on the ground, taxiing to the gate at one mph, he
tells you to remain seated for your safety.
==--------------------------------==
An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low
level, and pursued it. As a bit of background to this, the Mirage is a reasonably decent
aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic
warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it
to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from
the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the
world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided
that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level. The EF-111 crew were
credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground.
There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed aircraft scores a
kill. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road?
--USAF reactions to this event follow:
AETC:
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with
road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours
of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a
safety observer.
Spec Ops:
The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged
exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have
performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
ACC:
The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if
road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency
only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may
update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
TACC:
We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken
becomes available for another crossing.
Command Post: What chicken?
Tower:
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).
Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let's go.
C-141 crewmember:
I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides,
where the hell are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!!
Fighter dude:
Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for
the day and I ain't got time for anymore questions!
B-1 crew:
Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out
to see it; You'll have to ask the SOF.
AFPC:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was
involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled
tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every
chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not
affect its opportunities for future promotion.
John Warden:
The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2
dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and
strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to
fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.
Congress:
The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
> ---------------------------------------------
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
> ---------------------------------------------
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
> ---------------------------------------------
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
> ---------------------------------------------
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
> ---------------------------------------------
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
> ---------------------------------------------
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
> ---------------------------------------------
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
> ---------------------------------------------
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> ---------------------------------------------
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
> ---------------------------------------------
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> ---------------------------------------------
Ronald Reagan: What's a chicken?
> ---------------------------------------------
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> ---------------------------------------------
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?
---------------------------------------------
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
> ---------------------------------------------
> Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> ---------------------------------------------
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Explorer is
an inextricable part of the operating system.
> ---------------------------------------------
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
> ---------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon
Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
|
| The Rules of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that
are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them, and
b. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else
to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an
ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire
is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
16. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing
nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you
can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough
to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and
don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The Quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too
small.
23. Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed. |
|
True
Navy Mishaps
Remember the guy who stole the tank and tried to flatten
every POV in the San Diego-Los Angeles corridor? Meet his cousin:
The lance corporal was sent to the motor pool with orders
to pick up a brand new 5-ton truck, which he did. After he signed for it, he assembled and
installed the canvas top, then jumped in and started it up.
He slips it into reverse and commences to back out of the
parking space - altogether unaware that a fellow marine had parked a car behind the truck,
then dashed into the building to do some paperwork.
"Hmmmm..." says the lance corporal (as his right
rear tires come in contact with the little Dodge's bumper), "this thing sure doesn't
have much gumption in reverse..."
A little more gas... And a little less clutch...
"Hmmmm..." says the lance corporal (as the five
ton begins its backwards climb up and over the little Dodge's hood and onto its roof)
"I don't remember a hill when I parked..."
A lot more gas.... And a lot less clutch....
It must have been the sound of the side windows and the
windshield shattering that clued him in to the fact that all was not well back there.
Maybe that, plus the fact that his new 5-ton truck was pitched up so high in the rear that
he had to grab onto things inside and brace his feet against the dashboard to keep from
falling out of the cab.
Whatever the case, by the time he was finished, he had just
flattened the Dodge Colt, to the tune of about $19,000. And the 5-ton? Ripped the
rear mud flap. 20 bucks.
-------------------
How 'bout some more excerpts from the Navy Safety
Log.......
A Berretta automatic was almost the undoing of a marine
sentry who managed to holster and fire his weapon in one smooth motion. Put a 4"
crease in his thigh and tiny little 9mm hole in the dirt right next to his foot.
A lance corporal inadvertently fired an illumination from
his M203 while he was cradling the weapon in his arm. Shot off his own thumb.
Petty officer of the watch got everybody's attention when
he squeezed off a round from his .45 during watch turn-over. Routine stuff --- he slipped
the magazine in, but couldn't be bothered with checking to see if there was a bullet in
the chamber before he pulled the trigger. No damage done and no one was hurt .... unless
you count the half dozen guys who had out-of-body experiences when that gun went off on
the quarterdeck.
|
| More humor from our Navy brethren
A ship was on maneuvers one night when a light appeared on
the horizon. The crew followed the proper procedures for when a ship is sighted. They took
a bearing, calculated the distance between the two ships and quickly transmitted a warning
message:
-Have taken bearing. We are on collision course. Please
bear right.
They received this message back:
-Your message is received. You bear right.
The crew notified the commanding officer because a U.S.
Ship of the Line isn't normally expected to change course to accommodate others. The CO
ordered the following message sent:
-We remain on collision course. This is a U.S. Ship of the
Line. Please bear right.
The response came back:
-You bear right.
Angry at the lack of respect and adherence to naval
protocol, the CO ordered this message:
-We are approaching situation extremis. Critical that you
bear right immediately.
The response came back:
-You bear right. We are a lighthouse.
- Courtesy of Royleen White, RWA |
|
McDonnell Douglas Corporation
This was e-mailed to me as is:
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you
don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
_____________________
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required,
but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and
desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /
.......
4. Serial Number:
.................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced
your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be
used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in
market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well
as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS
CORPORATION
Marketing
Department
Military
Aerospace Division
|
| Two plus Two by MAJCOM
One morning, the Chief of Staff of the Air Force turned to
his staff and asked "What is two plus two?" His exec immediately got on
the phone and called throughout the Air Force. These are the answers he received:
Air Force Research Laboratory: "We won't know the answer to that until we
figure out one plus one."
Air Intelligence Agency: "Yes, we understand it is mathematically impossible to
have any answer other than four, however, we concur with DIA's position, based on HUMINT
sources you don't need to know about, that two plus two equals ten."
Air Force Material Command: "Give us two billion dollars, and 15 years, and
I'll get back to you."
Air Force Material Command (15 years later): "We've encountered some unforseen
program overruns, but I'm sure with another two billion dollars, and another five
years, we'll have the problem licked. And I promise we'll get right on it after we
redecorate the headquarters."
Air Force Studies and Analysis Agency: An AFSAA rep walks into the CSAF's office,
closes the door, closes the drapes, and checks for hidden microphones, then whispers in
the general's ear: "Sir, what would you like two plus two to be?"
Air Force Institute of Technology: "We'll be glad to let you sponsor a master's
thesis to answer that question, but first you have to change your mind about shutting us
down."
Air Force Technical Applications Center: "Sorry, we're privatizing our
laboratory workforce, and don't have the money yet to hire a contractor to answer that
question."
Air Force Quality Center: "Maybe if we just hold hands, sing Kumbaya, and think
happy thoughts, we'll be ready to Pareto our solutions."
Air Education and Training Command: "Is this a multiple choice question?"
Air Force Academy: "This sounds like a great problem for the cadets.
We'll hold a training weekend, restrict the cadets to campus to work on this problem in
teams. Then after they submit their answers to us, the faculty will get together to
come up with our own answer, and we'll submit that."
AFOTEC: "We don't have a solution, but we disagree with AFSAA's position."
Air Force Space Command (Mr Pocket Rocket): "That isn't on my checklist!"
Air Force Times: "Declining health care!"
Air Combat Command (Guy in back counting on fingers): "Uh...four?"
|
The Air Force of the '90s
Top 10 signs you work in the Air Force of the nineties:
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear
"civvies" to work.
8. You find you really need Power point to explain what you do
for a living to your civilian friends.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and
"calendarizing project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know your functional manager at AFPC better than your
next door neighbors.
4. You're no longer capable of putting on a briefing without a
computerized slide presentation.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box"
when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he
put his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the Air Force of the nineties.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
|
A Christmas Poem
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just whom in this home did live.
looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
found the house of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled upon the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
realized the families I saw on this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers, who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.
couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice;
fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."
The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,
couldn't control it, I started to weep.
kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
The soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on, Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All is secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right
Merry Christmas, my friend, and to all a Good Night!
-Author Unknown
|
Santa's
Check Ride
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the
Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner
arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the
reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph`s nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa`s weight and balance calculations for the sled`s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in
and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner
hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked
Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you
this, but you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
|
26
Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of
communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real
world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they have ever
been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty,
and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before
you realize it's a "do-it-yourself" thing.
26. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to
their level, then beat you with experience.
|
Breaking
the Code
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive
by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train
you;
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect
that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you
around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be
told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call
for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: "
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it. |
Kurt Vonnegut's commencement
address at MIT
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the
future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved
by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will
not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20
years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how
much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as
you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind
that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed
in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do
with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your
75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or
of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for
good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and
the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older
you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you
were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their
elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust
fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might
run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from
the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.
|
Southwest
Asia Q & A
Q. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q. Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter
pilots?
A....you only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-1...F-117
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force. |
Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different.....If Bill Gates Ran NASA
Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different... If Bill Gates Ran NASA
10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make
money."
9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be
assimilated." (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)
8) The first 2 or 3 Revisions of all equipment (rocket, space suit,
etc.) kills its operators.
7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission
Control: "Please hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."
6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a
bug"; astronomers told to squint.
5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for
somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.
4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior
marketing.
3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.
2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station,
NASA just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.
And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran
NASA...
1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows
95, the on-board computer crashes twice as often.
'Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.'
William Shakespeare
Enjoy, Sam (S. B. Wilson III)
NASA Liaison in the Joint Strike Fighter Program Office
|
|
One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
|
Travel
Agents
The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and
you wonder why
U.S. citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography)...
-- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate
and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
-- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
-- A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?"
-- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,
I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
her response....click.
-- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax
me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even
embarrassed.
-- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map
and
Florida is a very thin state."
-- I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the
map."
-- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
-- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
-- A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put
a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into
it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
-- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
them."
-- A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
-- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've
been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
-- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country
and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo,
do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
|
|
Joint Vision Tactics
Recently the Pentagon announced new rules
for the fall 1998 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament. It is now
known that the gender-integrated teams will take to the gridiron only
after negotiating the following.
1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint
Chiefs of Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of
the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field
casualty. Second, touching another player today-even the congratulatory pat on the
behind -- is court-martial bait.
2. The phrase "making a pass" will be
changed to the less ambiguous "throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy, and
Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it
alone owns the long-range air attack mission.
3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no
more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army
objectionsto long-range naval ground operations.
4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is
too sensitive and should be avoided.
5. To promote interservice cooperation, all teams
were ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all 4 services.
The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a
digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army
plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave
players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard
line.
The Navy's "Forward...From the Bench" plan called
for players-each called a ball "carrier"-to be surrounded by other Navy
football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would
establish a roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less important
than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier
group whenever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the
Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.
The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was
predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price,
and pack the audience with members of Congress to ensure the Marines' performance did not
go unrecognized.
The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept
calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, halftime,
between games, in the parking lot, and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would
these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to
take the field.
After examining each team's playbook, the secretary of
defense ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own
devices. The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field.
Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines, in breathtaking
formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their
benches.
Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at
least until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national
interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined;
and three, the president would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army players if
the game actually were to be played.
The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not
showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7
billion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.
Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most
ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing
fieldand declared themselves the winners.
And there was joy in Mudville. |
| |
Anecdotes |
|
|
|
Who Packs Your Parachute?
Charles Plum, a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, was a jet
fighter pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a
surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was
captured and spent six years as a POW. He survived that ordeal andnow lectures about
lessons learned from that experience. One day, when Plumb & his wife were sitting in a
restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, 'You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters
in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!' 'How in the
world did you know that?' asked Plumb. 'I packed your parachute,' the man
replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and
said, 'I guess it worked!' Plumb assured him, 'It sure did-if your chute hadn't worked, I
wouldn't be here today.' Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man.
Plumb says,
'I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform - a Dixie cup hat, a
bib in the back, and bell bottom trousers. I wondered how many times I might have
passed him on the Kitty Hawk. I wondered how many times I might have seen him and
not even said good morning, how are you or anything because, you see, I was a fighter
pilot and he was just a sailor.' Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a
long wooden table in the bowels of the ship carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the
silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, 'Who's packing your parachute?' Everyone has someone
who provides what they need to make it through the day. Plumb also points out that
he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory;
he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute,
and his spiritual parachute." He called on all these supports before reaching safety.
His experience reminds us all to prepare ourselves to weather whatever storms lie
ahead.
SUGGESTION: Recognize people who pack your parachute
& strengthen yourself to prevail through tough times.
- submitted by Capt Angie Wallace |
| College Applications
This is an actual submission by a prospective college student
in answer to the following question:
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read
Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish
an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a
week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics
do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college. |
|
Military
Service: "I put on my uniform"
By Senior Master Sergeant John Drew
Courtesy of SSgt Candance J. Green
A chief master sergeant sits behind his desk, just down the hall from the Operations
Group Commander’s office at Pope Air Force Base, NC. As the chief finishes his second
cup of coffee and the last of the morning messages, the commander steps into the
chief’s office. "Chief," the colonel says, "I hate to ask you this,
but you are needed in Southwest Asia in six days for a 90-day rotation. Can you go?"
With no emotion in his voice or without even looking up, the chief replies, "I put on
my uniform this morning, didn’t I?" The colonel is taken aback—the chief
doesn’t usually talk in riddles. Has this veteran of 28 years finally gone off the
deep end? The wise old protector of the enlisted corps smiles and begins to explain.
"I made a promise to myself more than 20 years ago that I would only put this uniform
on as long as I’m available for duty." While this may seem obvious to some Air
Force members, it seems to completely escape others. Available for duty means more than
the desire to negotiate and select the premium assignments or choicest TDY’s. A
simple transition. Available for duty requires us to go any place in the world that the
president or officers appointed over us determines, at any given time. This doesn’t
mean we shouldn’t have or receive our preferences. It doesn’t mean we’ll go
when and where we’re needed and called. This approach may seem overly simplistic;
however, upon further review I think everyone can agree, when it comes to defining service
to our country, the answer is just that simple. In today’s world of "what can
you do for me?" it’s easy to lose sight of what "service to our
country" is all about. Service goes far beyond the individual; it affects the
well-being of our nation. Sitting in southern Georgia it’s easy to forget the
sacrifices we agree to endure in service to our country. Deployed to Southwest Asia, Italy
or Bosnia, the sacrifices become much clearer. The bottom line is today we are an
"all-volunteer force." Our force has been reduced by 30 percent in the last five
years while it remains a highly-mobilized, continually-tasked organization. Everyone is
vital to its continued success.
The Air Force will go on tomorrow with or without any single one of us; however, the
efficiency of any one of its specific units may be adversely affected by the loss of only
a few. All of us have the responsibility to report our availability for duty. If someone
has a family problem or special circumstances that precludes them from being available,
they need to report it immediately and especially prior to being asked to deploy. If any
single member does not deploy when called upon, another member is forced to fill the slot.
Anytime someone cannot or will not deploy, the ripple effect is felt throughout the Air
Force. Everyone’s family would like them to be home for the holiday’s. I
can’t think of anyone who would intentionally miss their child’s graduation.
We’re all aware of the pain of losing a loved one is compounded by the grief of not
being at their side in the final moments. Military members are asked to sacrifice all of
this continuously. What we must remember is that we are serving our nation and we are all
volunteers. It is not easy—no one said it would be. The leadership of our country
depends on all of us being as good as our word. I believe each of us need to take a good
look in the mirror and ask "am I available for duty?" If the answer is yes, then
continue as the true professional you’re expected to be. If the answer is no, you
need to immediately notify your supervisor or commander. Your next step is to determine if
your non-availability is temporary or permanent. You then face the toughest question:
should you resign, separate or retire? There are no pat answers.
Everyone must decide for themselves. Just as the chief. I too put on my uniform today
and I am available for duty. |
DADDY, WHAT IS A VET?
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a
jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.
Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone
together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the
soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity.
Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America
safe wear no badge or emblem.
You can't tell a vet just by looking.
What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia
sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of
fuel.
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose
overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four
hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to
sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or
didn't come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat - but
has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into
Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.
He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and
medals with a prosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals
pass him by.
He is any ofthe three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns,
whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all
the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the
ocean's sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now
and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long
that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.
He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person
who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who
sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and
he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest,
greatest nation ever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country,
just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most
cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".
Remember November 11th is Veterans Day
"It is the soldier, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier,
Who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protestor to burn the flag."
Father Denis Edward O'Brien, USMC |
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