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LATEST ADDITIONS
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ARCHIVED ISSUES
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| Florida
2004 Vote
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The Air Force Life |
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Schizophrenia:
Do I Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia: I Think
I Was Home for Christmas
Alzheimer's:
I Think I'll Be A Home for Christmas
Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic: Deck the
Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and
Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Anti-Social Personality Disorder: People Roasting on an
Open Fire
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
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| Gulf War
Poster |
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Secretary of State Colin Powell recently was approached by an Iraqi
newspaper reporter and accusingly asked "Isn't it true that only 13%
of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Secretary Powell
stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for
you, all 13% are United States Air Force pilots."
PRESIDENT
BUSH AGREES TO MORE INSPECTORS
(AP) Washington DC 8:00 AM (EST), Tuesday, 11 March, 2003
President George Bush has made an announcement that we will not
attack
Iraq.
The President has announced that as of today, he is agreeing to
additional inspectors to be deployed throughout the country of Iraq.
We will be sending 250,000 additional inspectors into Iraq.
The additional inspectors will include:
24,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division
15,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault)
15,000 members of the 82d Airborne Division
More than 5,000 members of the 4th armored division with their
"M1-A1 all-terrain vehicles"
Additional U.S. Army personnel, as needed for inspections
A variety of U.S. Air Force personnel for aerial recon missions and
other
"surveillance" activities
A significant number of United States Marines to aid with
inspections
United States Coast Guard personnel to inspect coastlines
An undisclosed number of Rangers, Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Recon
Marines, Delta Force, and other Special Operations personnel to
inspect Iraqi
"hideaways"
Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made by
aircraft
from the USS Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln
and USS Enterprise.
The President stated: "With these additional inspectors, the
inspections
should be completed in a few weeks."
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation
have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For
those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are
a few of the areas we would like your assistance:
1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat)
during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American
Flag in protest... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay
the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone
doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these
Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second.
Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to
make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend
that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you
used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have
been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid
and get your ass kicked.
5) Next time you come across an Air Force member,
do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non
military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a
blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later
your ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade,
get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the
enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her
nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a
veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander
in Chief.
The President (for those who didn't know) is our CINC
regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside
those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All
we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member
might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass
already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ...
stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably
kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop
saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That
reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know,
so I can go kick their ass.
13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid
(Navy) etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other.
Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use
them. Could get your ass kicked.
14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of
the military, support our troops and their families. Every
Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of sailors and troops far
from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our
military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.
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Where You Live
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You live in California
when . . .
1.You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3.The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4.You know how to eat an artichoke.
5.You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6.When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
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You live in New York when . . .
1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.You think Central Park is "nature."
5.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6.You've worn out a car horn.
7.You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
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You live in Alaska when . . .
1.You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2.Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.You have more than one recipe for moose.
4.Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
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You live in the Deep South when . . .
1.You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3.After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4."He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5.Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean,etc.
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You live in Colorado when . . .
1.You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops
at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
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You live in the Midwest when . . .
1.You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5.When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"
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You live in Florida when...
1.You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. There are only GIANT doctors in Florida (Every person's doctor is
"The Biggest" in his field!)
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How to write a Performance Report
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How to write a
Performance Report |
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Eagles Vengeance
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Eagle's
Vengeance |
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Electronic DoDo
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An American
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| An American The following was said
to be written by a dentist in Australia.
"You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there
was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a
newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any
American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an
American is, so they would know when they found one.
An American is English, French, Italian, Irish, German, Spanish,
Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African,
Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab,
Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage,
Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as
native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, Buddhist, or
Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in
Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to
worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe
in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the
government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and
for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the
world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of
Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and
woman to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every
other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was
overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and
supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the
morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other
nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books,
the best music, the best food, the best athletes.
Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The
national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the
wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were
working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a
better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the
Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries,
cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted
the terrorists.]
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did
General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty
tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be
killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a
particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of
freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an
American.
So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than
you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the
old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those
lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations.
And America will welcome them!
GOD BLESS OUR WONDERFUL NATION
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12 Days of Christmas
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12 Days of Christmas |
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America: The Good Neighbor
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| America: The Good Neighbor.
Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a
remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a
Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his
trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:
"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as
the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the
earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy
were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in
billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these
countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to
the United States.
When the franc was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the
Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and
swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.
When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that
hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were
flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.
The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars
into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are
writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to
see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of
the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other
country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the
Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas 10? If so, why don't they fly them?
Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes?
Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman
on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios.
You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk
about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once,
but several times - and safely home again. You talk about scandals,
and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody
to look at . Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded.
They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are
breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at
home to spend here.
When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down
through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the
Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody
loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.
I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of
other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone
else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was
outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors
have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of
hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with
their flag high.
And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the
lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is
not one of those."
Stand proud, Americans
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Old Glory
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I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's Halls of Justice.
I fly majestically over great institutions of learning.
I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world.
Look up and see me.
I stand for peace, honor, truth, justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident, I am arrogant, I am proud.
When I am flown with my fellow banners, my head is a little higher, my
colors
a little truer.
I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped, I am loved, and I am feared!
I have fought in every battle of every war for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shiloh, Appomattox, San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, the
Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome, the beaches of Normandy, Guam, Okinawa, Japan,
Korea, Vietnam, the Persian Gulf and a score of places long forgotten by
all,
but those who were there with me....
I was there!
I led my Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines.
I followed them and watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired.
But my Soldiers cheered me!
And I was proud!
I have been soiled, burned, torn, and trampled on the streets of countries
that I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.
I have also been soiled, burned, torn, and trampled on the streets of my own
country and when it is by those whom I have served with in battle -- it
hurts.
But I shall overcome, for I am strong!
I have slipped the bonds of Earth and from my vantage point on the Moon, I
stand watch over the uncharted new frontiers of Space.
I have been a silent witness to all of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn in strips to be used as bandages for
my wounded comrades on the field of battle; when I fly at half-mast to honor
my Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, and when I lie in the trembling
arms of a grieving mother, at the grave site of her fallen son or daughter:
I
AM PROUD!
My name is OLD GLORY - long may I wave.
Dear God, long may I wave.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
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September 17, 2001
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Dear Osama Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, and
Sadam Hussein, et. al.,
We are pleased to announce that we
unequivocally accept your challenge
to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand that
there are no rules in this game, we anxiously look forward to
playing. Since we are not used to playing
with no rules, bear with us while we adjust to new
game strategies.
Since this game is a winner-take-all, we
unfortunately are unable to extend an invitation
to join us at the victory celebration. But rest
assured, the current agenda will include an old fashioned roast--
LITERALLY ALL OF YOU.
While we will admit that you are off to an
impressive lead, it is however, now our turn at
the plate.
By the way, we will--from this point on--be
playing on your court. Batter up.
Sincerely,
The 270,000,000 citizens of the United States
of America |
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Letterman and
Leno on Bin Laden
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What we know about Osama bin Laden is
this-he's worth $300 million, he has
five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their
'excessive' lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that
killing bin Laden won't solve the
problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about
spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden.
Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted.
This
guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300
million
through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This
way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." -- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists, most of
them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama
bin Laden. You know, he never
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row-just like Clinton." -- Jay
Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid
worth $300M. I have three words
for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden
has 50 brothers and sisters.
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" --
Conan
O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have
thousands of men who look
forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue
living." -- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the
mail. As usual, we're number
three." -- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood.
Used to be people in this town
couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like
the networks are a how-to manual
for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is
standing outside a
water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could
wipe
out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
--
Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced
warning that Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken
for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion?
What's
next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." -- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of
any letters or packages that
have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for
the
rap industry." -- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a
Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant
on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking
high-ranking
U. S. military official Colonel Sanders." -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday
Night
Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode
of West Wing, it makes a direct
reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept
top
secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our
battle plans on
CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -- Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was
going to go over there to talk with
the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
--
Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people
getting on the Internet and
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his
name
would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial
profiling at the airport, but let's be
honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
arrive
at the airport extra early." -- Jay Leno
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An open letter to terrorists:
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Well, you hit the World Trade
Center, but you missed America. You hit the
Pentagon, but you missed America. You used helpless Americans, to take out
other Americans, but like a poor marksman, you STILL missed America.
Why? Because of something you will never
understand. America isn't about a building or two,
not about financial centers, not about military centers,
America isn't about a place, America isn't even about a bunch of
bodies.
America is about an IDEA. An idea, that you
can live in a place where you can
work hard to earn as much as you can, live for the most part, like
you prefer living, and
pursue happiness. (No guarantees that you'll reach all these
goals, but you can certainly try!)
Go ahead and whimper, whine, and chant your
litany: "If you cannot see my point, then you will
feel my pain." This concept is alien to Americans. We
live in a country where we don't have to agree with everyone's point,
but they're free to have one. We don't have to
listen to everyone's speech, but they're free to
make one. I can't imagine where you got the strange idea
that everyone in our nation has to listen to you or agree with you.
There's a spirit that people acquire when
coming to this country, looking for
opportunity, liberty, and freedom. Even if they misuse it. You seem
incapable of understanding that we don't live in America, America
lives in US! American Spirit is what it's called.
And killing a few thousand of us, or a few million
of us, won't change it. Most of the time, it's a pretty
happy-go-lucky kind of Spirit. Until we're treated in a cowardly
manner, then it becomes
an entirely different kind of Spirit. Just wait until you see
what we do with that Spirit, this time.
Sleep tight, if you can. We're coming. |
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Sharpening His Claws
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Redneck Terms for
Computer Words
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BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in
the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down in the local
tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the Skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink after breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the Year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear |
State
Mottos
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Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist
Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask
For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Sh__!
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most
Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and
10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 > mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!
Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese |
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Which branch of Service is the best?
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Straight From The Top
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into
an argument about which service was "the best". The arguing became so
heated
the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by
the truck and killed instantly. Soon the four servicemen found themselves at
the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate
source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint
Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint
Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks
the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and
welcome to Heaven.
Some time later the servicemen see Saint Peter and remind
him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The
servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a
sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder.
In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter says to
the servicemen, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what He says." Saint
Peter opens the note. Trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps
play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four
servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTYONE TO:
Soldiers, Sailors,Airmen, and Marines.
SUBJECT: WHICH MILITARY BRANCH IS
BEST
Gentlemen, All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and
noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being a serviceman in the
United States Military represents a special calling warranting special
respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.
Sincerely, GOD, USAF (RET.) |
|
Air Force - Army Football
|
An Army cadet from West Point died and went to Hell. He was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the young man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound
sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to
see how the cadet was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The
cadet explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to when he was a boy
growing up on his beloved farm back in Kansas.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the
end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to
be sweating and straining. The cadet explained that it felt like his childhood, when he
had to clean out the silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kansas. At
that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this cadet to MINUS 20 degrees
with a 40-mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was so confident that he would
find the cadet miserable. But instead, the cadet was singing louder than ever, twirling
the sledgehammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the cadet
answered, "It's a Cold day in hell, Army must have finally beat Air Force." |
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
|
|
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations:
A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates
to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target
barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians
as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building
rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files
enormous travel voucher upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly
conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US Armed Forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then worksfeverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses target due to weather.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infrared.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after
snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear
weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing ground of professional courtesy. |
Work
Relations
|
|
Rules For Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until
4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise
me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or
supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all
use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with
useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having
to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
|
|
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T:
|
1. I can see your
point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's
hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5. I bet you're really easy to get along with once people
learn to worship you.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a
shit.
14. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you being competent.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. And your cry-baby whiny-ass opinion would be...?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. I started out with nothing & still have most of it
left.
24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
26. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
27. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
31. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
32. Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
33. CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks |
|
Thankgiving humor from Martha Stewart |
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since
Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes as follows:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is
not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful
autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we may find some dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork, hopefully a metal one. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will
refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and
flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a
turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will
entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's
recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention
that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our
feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating
arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit
where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be
happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check
on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It
stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young
diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a
request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder
for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you
diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser known name: Cheese Sauce. If a
young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead
ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of
offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You
will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful. |
Hoo-ah
|
|
- Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd., Howitzer Lane
and Helmet Drive.
- When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where
the latrine is.
- When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of
approach and good fields of fire before setting up your tent.
- Your ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down
slope of the latrine.
- You're the only one who doesn't complain about having to stand
and eat at the same time at parties.
- You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in
a nightclub on TDY.
- You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.
- You always back into parking spaces.
- You have to look up your parents phone number, but can dial the
CQ, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.
- Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
- Your favorite author is Harold Coyle or Tom Clancy.
- When your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!"
- You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in
case of emergencies.
- You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
- You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your
friends.
- The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
- You convince your wife that all 10 of your guns are necessary
for home protection.
- You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain
that it's only 9 o'clock.
- No one understands the stories you tell because of all the
acronyms.
- You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than
directions to your house.
- The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
- Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for 20 years.
- You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
- You're family calls you "Sir."
- You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the
unrealistic military scenes.
- When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse
that you've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.
|
|
Have you ever met
these people? |
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with
the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said,"Really? Where
is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it
was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health
& Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to
cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
|
|
Real Officers
Cute one from the Army
|
|
1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes
without ever repeating a word.
2. Got their commissions the old-fashioned way - at OCS.
3. Can remember when they were real NCOs.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in
garrison just in case they have
to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed staffer.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their
heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a
parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don't trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to
make a pilgrimage to Ft. Benning
to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don't give a damn about being
politically correct.
15. Don't know how to be politically correct
16. Think that "politically
correct" should fall under "sodomy"
in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because
there's less paperwork.
18. Know that "Cav" is an
abnormal condition that can be cured
with testosterone shots.
19. Can remember the "daily dozen".
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough "fruit
salad" on their greens to be Mexican
field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it's cool to teach their kids how to do
"SPORTS".
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Know what a short-arm inspection is.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order
to allow the enemy to deplete its
basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the "Green Ramp" is.
30. Can remember who their
"Ranger Buddy" was.
31. Know that there's a difference
between "giving orders" and
"going through the orders process".
32. Think that "slides" involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand,
although an M14 is an authorized
substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life's
problems can be solved by applying
the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was
too goddamn stupid to have
assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that "Nuts"
wasn't exactly all that BG McAuliffe
said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both "Cross of
Iron" and "Saving Private Ryan" to be training films.
43. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a "mad minute" than a
"VTC".
47. Shudder when they hear "Garry Owen".
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don't believe that "AAFES" needs a
"commander".
50. Don't need "leadership tabs" to know when they're in
charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when faggots were not a "minority group".
53. Don't have to "do a Lewinski" to get a "one
block".
54. Don't give a damn if they get a "one block".
55. Won't brief it if it's too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5
cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch
Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don't really want
the "Single Soldier Initiative".
58. Really don't like taking crap
from those who haven't "been there".
59. Believe that "RHIP"
was invented by individuals who couldn't
lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a "fifty" by touch
alone.
62. Know how to do a "daisy chain".
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but
still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren't afraid of the Chinese,
who probably still don't have
enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb
would be appropriate for the
Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that "napalm" is really called
"incendi-gel".
| |
